Why You Shouldn’t Force a Child to Say “I’m Sorry”

Why You Shouldn’t Force a Child to Say “I’m Sorry”

We gathered in the kitchen. I held a ceramic plate with one hand. My three children also held the plate. We  stood around the plate, staring at it. “On the count of three,” I instructed, “We are all going to let go. One. Two. Three.” We released our collective hold. The plate crashed to the tile floor and shattered.

“OK, now tell the plate you’re sorry.” My kids looked at me like I had lost my mind. I modeled the behavior I desired by bending toward the shattered plate. “I’m sorry,” I said. My children mimicked my behavior. “I’m sorry,” they said.

“What happened after you apologized?” I asked. My children simultaneously replied, “Nothing.”

Exactly. Nothing. Saying sorry doesn’t fix the problem. It doesn’t repair a plate, heal a cut, or erase hurt feelings. Apologies are just words. Repentance requires self-reflection, empathy, and remorse.  But children under 5 don’t really know how or why to be sorry, unless we use that moment to teach them what it means.

Going beyond “say you’re sorry,”  can create powerful, teachable moments that help children understand what an apology is and why it’s important. First, get on a child’s level. An adult standing over a child can be intimidating.

Next follow these simple steps:

1. Create Empathy: “On no, look at Susie’s face. How do you think she is feeling right now?

2. Dig Deeper: “Why do you think Susie feels sad right now?”

3. Put it into Context:  “How do you think you would feel if someone hit you?

4. Use an ‘I’ Statement: “I would feel sad if someone hurt you.”

5. Think about the Future: “What else can we do when we feel angry?”

6. Use Words: “Is there anything you would like to say to Susie?”

If a child decides to apologize on their own, that’s fine. But, never force an apology. Instead think of the broken plate and figure out ways to act better in the future. Use these moments as opportunities to teach children pro-social behavior.