Why Sharing is Not
Always Caring
Many of us grew up with the idea that sharing is caring. We
were told to share our toys and we repeat this mantra to our own little ones.
The problem is, this expectation is not realistic for young children. Parents
usually start the “share with your friend” refrain once their child becomes a
toddler. But, what does telling, or even forcing, a toddler to share really
accomplish, besides a meltdown or tantrum?
Rachel Boldwyn[1]
suggests in her article Sometimes Kids
Don’t Need to Share that making a toddler share is not only developmentally
inappropriate, it also fails to foster the kind of character traits and habits
we want our children to have. Making a child, especially a toddler, share
doesn’t actually teach the complex social skills we want our children to
master. Children will get to sharing all on their own. They will begin to
exhibit what psychologists call prosocial behavior[2].
Prosocial behavior such as feeling empathy and concern for
others and behaving in ways to help or benefit other people is the goal.
Notice, sharing is not one of them. Our children should not share because they
were told to. Just as they should not say, “I’m sorry”, just because they are
told to apologize. We want our children to want
to help by sharing something that might help. We want our children to apologize
only if they really feel sorry. We
don’t just want the words...we want the underlying feelings. Celia Brownell[3],
a psychology professor at the University of Pittsburgh writes, “It’s this
crucial self-other understanding that is the foundation of autonomous prosocial
behavior. Simply telling (a child) what to do seems to be counterproductive in
fact.”
Dr. Laura Markham[4],
a clinical psychologist and founder of the web site Aha Parenting, says parents should not force toddlers to share. “It
actually delays the development of sharing skills,” she says. “Kids need to
feel secure in their ownership before they can share.” Once children feel that
they can manage their own environment and feel secure in their own bodies and
relationships, they can begin to understand that others have unique desires and
emotions. Young children may even feel a particularly strong sense of ownership
when it comes to objects, which helps explain the meltdowns that can happen
over sharing.
One of the reasons young children can’t wrap their brains around
our adult concept of sharing is that it’s difficult to see things from another
person’s perspective. Empathy is one of our most complex and sophisticated
human cognitive skills and often takes most of childhood, and sometimes part of
young adulthood, to master. Heather Turgeon states in her article, Sharing and Empathy with Toddlers: Why I don’t
Tell me Kid to Share, “...instead of harping on sharing, I’ve put my energy
towards helping my little guy flex those empathy muscles and develop an
awareness of his own feelings and how he impacts other people.”[5]
Instead of telling children to share, try developing a sense
of helpfulness. “Sally doesn’t have any toys. I wonder if there is something we
could do for Sally?” “Daddy seems cold. I think I will give him a blanket.” By
helping children develop prosocial behaviors, parents and teachers guide them
on their way to becoming caring, empathetic adults.
[2] Prosocial
behaviors are those intended to help other people. Prosocial behavior is
characterized by a concern for the rights, feelings, and welfare of other
people.
[3] Brownell,
PhD, Celia. Professor Department of Psychology, University of Pittsburgh, PA
15260 brownell@pitt.edu
[4] Dr.
Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia
University. She is the author of the
books Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to
Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to
Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.
[5] Turgeon,
Heather. Sharing and Empathy with Toddlers: Why I don’t Tell me Kid to Share”, www.babble.com, 2011.
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