Talking with Children (Positively!)

Talking With Children (Positively!)

Listen to your tone instead of your words. At times, it's not what say, but the way you say it that makes an impact. Kids sense what adults are feeling. Often, they are not listening to your words so much as looking at your face and reacting to the tone of your voice.

Talk to a child as though you're composing a song. "Adult-child communication is composed of both music and lyrics," comments Michael Thompson. "When someone listens to music, they may focus on either the melody or on the lyrics. Children are always listening to the melody (or tone) of an adults voice. Unfortunately, adults are often paying more attention to the lyrics."

Listen to yourself from your child's perspective. If you feel a conflict brewing, ask yourself, "Would I like to be spoken to this way?" If you don't like the way you sound, ask yourself, "Am I mad about something without realizing it?"

Remember that you are bigger than a child — so get on their level. Imagine what it feels like to look up at someone every time you speak or to try to catch someone's attention from floor level. To help a child hear you, get down where they are and make eye contact. This sends a signal that you are listening and that you care what they are thinking.

Offer limited choices. Choices give kids a sense of power and control. Instead of saying, "Time to get dressed," you might say, "Do you want the red shirt or the blue one?" Offer two choices, not five or six. You might say, "Do you want peas or green beans?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth first or comb your hair?"

Speak as simply as possible. A one-sentence answer may be much more effective than a long explanation. Children are often satisfied with a simple, direct answer that addresses their main concern. A lengthy explanation may confuse or bore a child.

How Preschoolers Communicate

Between ages two and three, many preschoolers begin to use more complicated sentences. However, this does not mean that they understand all of an adult's words or abstract concepts. In fact, preschoolers are often very literal thinkers and interpret ideas concretely. Many are only beginning to think logically and understand sequences of events.

Preschoolers learn that they can use specific words to say what they mean. They have long known an adult’s words have power over their lives and they are beginning to realize that their own words can make a difference as well. They create more powerful meanings using their growing vocabulary.

"No" and "Why" become common words for young preschoolers. Saying "No" is a way a preschooler claims her space. Saying "Why" is a wish to understand the world around her. "Why" is also a word preschoolers use to question authority. Underneath the question, they are saying "Why do you have power over me when I want to feel autonomous?"

Preschoolers like to participate in decisions. This gives them a feeling of control and independence. A preschooler might think, "I can take a different position from my teacher — and I like it." Or, "By saying what I want, I am a big kid."

Preschoolers love to imitate other people's words. They often mimic comments, phrases and sophisticated statements. At times they misuse or exaggerate phrases, particularly during pretend play. A preschooler might say to a doll, "You are so bad you are going to jail for 100 years!"

Preschoolers like to hear about and describe the same event over and over. By telling and listening to stories, preschoolers begin to form opinions about the world and how they fit into it. They say "tell me again," because hearing a story many times makes them feel safe and secure. When the story is repeated, it also allows them to imagine new scenarios.

Preschoolers like to make up their own explanations. This helps them make sense of things they are only beginning to understand. For example, a preschooler might explain her sadness about winter being over by saying, "When the snow melts, the winter is crying." Preschoolers may also embellish stories with wishful thinking.

Between three and five, preschoolers refine their understanding of cause and effect. Older preschoolers can understand simple explanations of cause and effect such as "The medicine will help you get well" and "If you eat healthy food, you will grow big and strong."

Preschoolers also talk through their bodies, their play and their art. In fact, verbal communication still may not be the dominant way many preschoolers either understand the world or express themselves.

Using Positive Discipline

It's the ultimate do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do adulting moment: a preschooler throws a fit because there are blueberries in their pancake—and they didn't want blueberries in the pancake!—and, in an effort to control the tantrum, you counter with your own: "Stop yelling now!"

You have just entered into a disciplinary arms race in which there are no winners—only hurt feelings, sore throats and soaring blood pressure. But adulting doesn't have to be a battle. Proponents of positive discipline teach that kids can—and will—behave without threats, bribes, yelling and physicality. Here are some tips that will set you on the path to better behavior—and a stronger, more peaceful connection with a child.

1.   Understand the meaning behind the behavior. Naomi Aldort, the author of "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves," says that children want to behave well; if they seem to miss the mark, it's not without a valid reason. "The most important [thing] is to realize that whatever a child does, we may label as bad, [but really] the child is doing the best he can. It's our job ... to find out why [he is] doing it," says Aldort. "Once we know the valid root of the behavior, we can easily remove the cause or heal the emotions, and the child won't be driven to behave in that way anymore."

2.   Focus on controlling yourself—not the child. It's hard to keep cool in the heat of the moment, but Dr. Katharine C. Kersey, the author of "The 101s: A Guide to Positive Discipline," says that adults need to model the types of behavior they want their children to emulate. Remember, yelling begets yelling, hitting begets hitting. “We should not do anything in front of [our children] that we don't want them to do," she advises. In the case of an extreme behavioral flare-up, this may mean counting to 10, taking a deep breath or simply walking away until you've had time to collect yourself.
Jim Fay, the founder of the organization Love and Logic, agrees. "Anger and frustration feed misbehavior," he says. Fay offers an unusual tactic for keeping your voice in check: instead of yelling that your child is doing something wrong, try singing it.

3.   Be consistent with your expectations. Aldort says that parents often overlook a certain behavior in the hope that it will pass. "But guess what?" she says. "It doesn't pass." If your child bites another child, for instance, you should...tell them that the behavior is not acceptable.

4.   Give attention to the behavior you like—not the behavior you don't. Children often act up because they want your attention, so sometimes it pays to ignore those actions you don't want to see more of. Kersey calls this the "Rain on the grass, not on the weeds" principle. Tantrums and whining? Play deaf or walk away, and your child will quickly learn that there's a better way to communicate.

5.   Redirect, redirect, redirect. Kids who hear "No" or "Don't" all the time tend to tune those directives out. So instead of telling a child what not to do, Kersey recommends instead offering a positive behavior to replace the misbehavior.

6.   Don't bribe. It may be tempting to offer a child a cookie for behaving well, but Fay warns against it. Offering a child a reward sends the wrong message; what kids hear is "'You don't want to be very good and you have to be paid off,'" says Fay.
Instead, Fay says, "the best reward for a kid is quality time with a caring adult." Kersey agrees that quality time is key to a happy, well-behaved child.

adapted from various articles on pbsparents